Hello Blogland and hello to me, later when I forget this and re-read it again....
*Note on readership on blogs on such matters as this: My blog is my happy place too as much as it is when I'm posting of projects, where I am free to write whatever it is I feel. Being expressive is an aspect of honesty, it is a virtue, of spiritual cleansing and this makes me happy :D
There is a question, a deep one, a philosophical one which has existed for as long as humans have, and it is a question of God, and what it is, how to have faith especially once one has seen the world and all its degradation which increases with exponential speed......and how some people manage to have joy in the midst of it, and whether or not this is.....well......sane or wise.
I have been on both sides, being joyful in the midst of a sick world and being sick with it as I observe it and experience some of its sickness......it is hard to have faith if you dig past the surface and get the facts, numbers and histories.....very hard. I lost it. I had it, but lost it.
However, I am at a time when I need to live....again......need to live a life I have chosen, and not merely content with the circumstances given or have found myself in, and continue to find a way to dream a way to have joy in this life which includes others. Oh, if I concentrate on only myself I can live fine for a short time, if I only think of myself and my own little world and as a single woman.....I've done this too.....I did it because I thought it was a stepping stone, to the path of creating a more inclusive type of dreaming, dreams which included other people.....at least those of like minds and hearts, and once achieving this, will branch out to the outer world. I dreamed for the world with myself as a catalyst offering Beauty, Love and Joy for all of us.
Needless to say, this has not worked out, or these types of social dreams take centuries or millennia for God to manifest for surely such beautiful Godly dreams would have God's support? I thought God was taking too long, so I'd do it myself a little faster. I didn't have much luck this way either. I can live in Beauty surely, anyone who knows me knows I live the talk, walk the walk, but I am still waiting for company, for the ''family'' so to speak.....for the others who live this way to live with me, or I don't mind going to live with them! I'm open!
Too much happened in my life, everything turned upside down around 2001 after 37 years of difficulty which includes 27 years of being hungry due to not enough food etc, and all that I thought was ''my life'' was turned inside out and nothing, not even my closest family were who or what I thought it was. I of course went into a dark night of the soul. I learned in a way that only stubborn belief can be taught, and that is to have your entire reality turned inside out. That not just some things, but everything, work, family, friends, world, beliefs etc, would in a single year be yanked from under you and leave you grasping at air to hang on and to breathe.
So faith in God, as it were, went along with it. No need to question how that happened and it happened.
But I lost the ability to dream too and how to want to live, as I investigated further into the truth of life and the world, how family's are not really the love bond I thought and believed they should be. How some of the most devastating and deprived things happen in families. How the ultimate betrayal of my deepest heart for me happened through family, which to me is the holiest unit of all is the Trinity of Family......, and how family can be a totally dysfunctional unit. Then seeking solace in friends, one finds another kind of dysfunction there too.....too many hurt to trust or love again.....et al.
Anyway, there are some people who through this, or in denial of it, or in spite of it, not sure, manage to find such joys as I used to know, before Earth life reality set in, and who express such joys through their blogs for example. My goodness, what a world of intrigue and fascination is the world of women in bloggingland!
And so in a lull in my life when I've spent 13 years recovering from 2001 and all that transpired before, since 2001 was merely the breaking point.......I find myself in a place where I'd forgotten how to dream, since so many previous ones never happened. Even if I tried with communities and people who share the same dream, and even if I travelled the world over working on making this dream happen for surely being able to travel the world was God's support....wasn't it?
But this lull I find myself in, is one of a quiet, forgetful, dispassionate place of routine, even as much as it can be for me who makes every day a different one since I do not work.....but still there is a routine of things I do and the last decade has created some kind of domestic routine, which had even known some bliss in it, many times, but which has lost some critical essence, one of continuity, as if this bliss was some accident of chance, and not a deliberate result of my own passions and dreams which of course would maintain their fervor and fire for an entire lifetime, yes? But this domestic bliss comes and goes and when it goes, and I do not believe bliss should contain anything other than bliss, but what is left I find is some kind of plopping sensation, something that has had the life taken from it like a balloon deflating. What is this? Was this bliss to begin with? I think not.....bliss does not deflate, it has an eternal life to it. So what was this ''bliss'' then? I think now it was a type of greedy grasping at anything that was peaceful, appearing to be of a nurturing atmosphere.......a desperate determination to find happiness in chaos. I did it and I did it well. But the deflating part......that I now know is resignation when the false sense of security in domestic bliss regularly dissipates, what is left is resignation, a slothful kind of peace, not a joyful one. Something is missing. I know what it is now, and it is the feeling one person such as myself who is essentially a very social soul, who lives this all by herself even though in the same house with another person.....a man who is basically a resigned to life/work/suffering kind of life, ....and this energy drains me of my own..... and living in a neighborhood filled with very lifeless people.....I tried to know them I did.....had BBQ's and dinners with friends etc, went knocking on everyones door at one time trying to form a crime watch unit but also happy to meet the neighbors for potential friends, but none of them could reciprocate. The housemate definitely after all these years appreciates the beauty and even has said he lives well, but still his own contribution to this ''living well'' is merely to enjoy it when the weight of his own mind allows him to. It is difficult for me to maintain joy of my own heart when the weights of so many others are so heavy or when ''others'' are non existent. I become deflated. I just cannot be happy when so many others are so weighted down. My friends, my online friends, all the people I happen to communicate with also are telling me things which torment a joyful spirit.
Is it true then, really.....it is hard to soar like an eagle when flying with turkeys? really?
I must somehow reinvent my essence from being a social one to a single one, to be self serving and content with it. I must do this.
I'm rambling.....forgive me. But I want to get to the dream of last night....but first let me explain what triggered all of this.
After finding myself living in this house for more than the year I intended because I was going to save up money to buy a house with my ex, who I learned the hard way had no plan to really do this with me, he just strung me along as he had relationships with other women.......there's more to that but I wont go there......I found myself here in this house for longer than the year. It took me a while to realize I must get up yet again and once again, even after a 6 month trip around the world trying to establish myself a new life, new home, a new business etc failed.....along with 2 more accidents which left me living a life in physical pain......I had to begin yet again. How many times does one really have to do this in one life? anyone?
So....I needed time to recover from the accidents, from the life-rug being pulled from me, from the 37 years of strife before that.........from the 6 month journey around the world, and ending with the betrayal of my ex and my dreams for this life of love with him......and then the death of my beloved mom .....I must start again. OK. I will. Still not jaded, amazingly. But still alone again, no help, etc. One year turned into twelve and I've been blogging about some of the work I've done to this house, John's house, who thankfully didn't care for it so I had carte blanche to fix it up my own way after being here for 10 years patiently waiting for God to show me where I would live next, it wasn't happening so I fixed up this one, and I'm talking inside and out, painting it inside and out and landscaping it all too. It is a beautiful gorgeous, charming little cottage. Even a young 14yr old visitor last month walked in and declared in awe ''this is a cottage! a real cottage!" and it was the most fun to watch him investigate every corner of this house and how he declared he wanted to live like this. He loved the middle room so much I was tempted to name it after him.
But moving on.....I did fix it up and it is lovely for myself and for all as intended. John says he lives well because he does, with a live in home-chef, nurse, gardener, psychologist, doctor, medicine woman and friend, he now knows, he lives well.
Yet after so many years of default living now....that is living with circumstances beyond ones control and after much difficulty and a dozen years of peacefully accepting life as it has happened......there came with it the stealthy loss of being able to dream, because what for? None of the others worked out. I forgot not only how to dream but how to have faith. I didn't know where in the world I wanted to be or to live, and I finally settled.
Now thats a word.....''settled''......creepy isn't it? Settled.....without interest, without passion, and resigned to this fate of mine. I waited....waited for the acceptance to show reward. It didn't come. A life without passion or ones own choices to live out, is for me, not a life. I was resigned for sure here.
This is not a story about faith being restored, I'm not sure what it IS about, but I know I must write it to remember this. This blog was originally intended as my personal journal.
So.....I didn't know how to dream, how to want anything, because life BECAME about acceptance.....ACCEPTANCE......I think of that word and shudder......for some it brings peace, for me it brings revulsion. Because all of what I've been told to ''just accept'' has been horrific. My dreams are so much better, so lacking in pain and so lacking in poverty thinking, or helplessness, they are simply soooo much better! ''Accepting'' always has felt like being beaten. It always came WITH a beating. Acceptance in my world, is always painful resignation. This is not how God wants me to live, I'm sure.
And not knowing how to dream anymore or why I should, I lived resigned but yet determined to make this resignation a thing on my own terms somehow :D....yes I would. If I have no say in my life what does that make me? Not sure and don't want to think too much on that one. But its nothing attractive to me and without virtue. But I am both attractive and with virtue, so I create even within a life of (relative) peaceful resignation and loss, as opposed to how to create out of it. In other words, as long as I was resigned to this ''peaceful life I found myself living by default in no house of my own, through circumstances I could never imagine'' then I would still create on some level, my own life, and therefore being responsible for my own life. This is good, no?
Then 2 weeks ago, a woman I met online years ago who has breast cancer, and has one arm which is barely moveable, and who does long distance healing work for others, many of whom have dramatic improvements, and who I thought was a good good woman, decided to move to Florida and though by herself with one and half arms would relocate and slowly rebuild her own life, and I would help this woman who helps others, and she came with only a suitcase but lots of small boxes would be shipped to her new home by her brother. She chose a place in Florida that is virtually unknown, called Micanopy.
The plan was, she was to fly here, and we shop for her some basics which could fit in my car and I was to drive her up 5 hours north to her new place and settle her in. I did this. It wasn't easy, as for one I hate driving and moving a disabled person is alot of work, but I did it and she is happily settled in her new rental home.
But what I didn't expect was to fall in love. Once I left the woman I drove around the tiny town a bit. Its a tiny old town with a pop of around 600 and everything on the one street with stores which close down after 5pm and the streets are empty....but only of people.....the place is filled with history, with culture and legends, with ancient old oak trees, huge and sprawling up in the sky and dripping with oodles and oodles of filigree spanish moss, and lots of spirits.
The huge magnolias too are also dripping with moss as is anything else that will stand still long enough to be draped with the lovely soft grey filament of this amazing air plant.
The people are friendly! They actually look you in the face and eyes and talk to you when you walk in their stores. They make a point of it, they have no fear there. :D
So on my way out to the highway, I found I was loathe to get onto it, for once on it, it was all driving, cement, tar and lots of other cars for hours and hours and nothing else.
I made a U turn back into the town. I wanted to collect some spanish moss to bring home for my own tree, Suzie. I wanted the moss which fell because I couldn't bear tearing it off its tree. I found lots on the ground. I was good, now time to get on the road. I couldn't. Made another U turn and decided to actually look more carefully at all the old houses I could see visible from the trees and small roads. Again I needed to move on, but stopped in a store for something to eat for the drive and the lady was so nice I wanted to stay in, linger in her cafe and just talk to anyone who walked in! lol......then I walked into the stained glass store and found so much beauty there, like walking into the Cathedral makers shop, where he shows ALL his talents, not just the reverent ones, but the whimsical and fun ones too. This man talked to me, his first question to me was ''are you having fun yet"......the question to spark my soul if ever there was one! LOL
This old guy was fun to talk to also, he was a pilot and was about to go on vacation for 2 weeks before he receives some guests from England to one of his homes. I wanted to hang out with this old man! I haven't felt these things in years. No one here in this neighborhood I talk to seems normally human like that, all these people seem to be only like matrix agents, no interest, no life, no humour, just working slaves. Yuck. I wanted to stay in this town and not leave. I fought the tears, and the pain behind my eyes and in my heart, fighting the highway that demanded I leave NOW or it would be horrific work traffic I'd hit in the worst places......I fought the tears. I made a third U turn just because.......then slowly, sadly I turned back to get on the road because if I continued this way I could get lost, forever.
I got on the highway and realized I had a desire in me I hadn't felt in years. I felt the feeling of ''place''.....of finding a place I actually wanted to live. I saw how I could improve the energy there and how they could improve mine. I saw how easy and free it was like in the old days of maybe the early 1950's where there were much looser ways of living, not needing permits to walk down a street or one could sell something from their front yard if they wanted to. Simple. And I'd not have to change my license to another state. I want to live there. And I can see how what I do here can actually be lucrative there! They do not even have a food store in town, and I love growing veggies and flowers and am a home chef.....can you see where this is going? :D
Desire is a good thing.
Or is it?
Maybe this desire is another plant by the devil himself to torment me into dreaming another dream that will never come to pass.....I'm onto him now. I'm NOT wanting to entertain that one though life has taught me not to disregard that one, to consider his ways because though I'd never believed in him before, I see how he does work in our lives whether we like to think or believe or not. There it is.
So this brings me to my current time. This feeling of knowing where I finally want to live and plant my bones for the final time has been a good feeling, since this current place has never been one I liked at all. The property and inside is a sanctuary for sure, but the environment is toxic in so many ways, not to mention the many cell phone towers, and did I mention the zombie people?!
And slowly I've been trying to work out how....'''how'''.....to do this? I never had ''how'' as a problem before, but it is challenging now even for me who once knew how to move mountains.
I have found my gut in knots at the thinking and pondering and this is no way to begin a dream. There must be something lose and flowing about it, something that is gliding you along. Dreams must be supported by the invisible beneficence, by God, if you will, there must be some caress of ease into it......this I believe.
I even tried to talk my housemate into it as I know he would love this place too. Everything I've ever heard him say about what is charming or a nice place to live, this place has it. But he and I are not a ''pair'' and whatever I decide to do with my life, I'm on my own. What I'd really like to do is pick up this entire property and transplant it there in that town....that would be P E R F E C T ! If I had enough faith, do you think it could happen?
But John has told my friend who I have told my story to, that he may be interested, ''but not now, not soon, maybe in the future''. This is John. He Lives in his future, yet his life has been one of a rolling stone or tumbleweed, he created nothing of it but landed at every turn and cried ''woa is me, this is what happened to my life''.
I of course do not believe in just living with what ''happens'', with being so lackadaisical, or to believe in a future until I get there, and either I create my life or ''it merely happens'' is my penance for non creating....but what I do now creates future. Or am I to be tumbled about? Having faith that the crap I land in was destined by God?
So I've learned that anything that causes knots in ones tummy is to be let go, so my wonderings of ''how'' to do this has to be let go, which is great because the ''how'' of things is something I never bothered with because its not my job really, yet here I am, for the first time ever, needing to make this happen some ''how''. Then there is this thing called ''faith''. Do I have this? Should I have this again when previous faith led me to uncharted wicked waters into living a life I never dreamed and never could dream this low for myself?
Then there are those with faith who find their dreams. I asked such a person about how she does it....how does she find her dream manifested so often? I asked her yesterday....and this is what I wrote and this is what she wrote......and then I will get to that Dream of last night.....you tell me.....................
To dream or not to dream?
Well Cielo, if there is one thing, you sure know how to dream....and I wonder, seriously, if you could actually teach others how to do that? Like me for instance.....I used to dream like that but life took too many gnarly turns and I have learned some things to cause one to shudder.....I have forgotten how to dream, and how to believe in them for any decent length of time, and these past days I've been struggling as to whether or not I should bother again, I want to but I can't be disappointed again...because of all the dreams I had that never happened. I do want my own home, a home of my own really, and gardens and the woods and flowers and a creative life that serves the people around me, I also want lively fun people for neighbors and friends....and I've been single for 12 years, no dates, nothing and never thought I'd be so for more than mere months, this is the least of problems, but to find such love and companionship in a man.....I don't know. Just for the record I am neither ugly nor fat, and most people think I'm ''adorable'' and beautiful, even for my age, which is a ridiculous number because I will always be 25.....but really, I want to believe, but I cannot suffer reality in its place any more.....you don't have to publish this, but I am being all out and open here, really, how do you do it?
Thank you Cielo for your words. I just want to say, I do live creating Beauty all the time as anyone who has followed my blog or more, been to my home will attest grandly to, and I do believe in all the magic that lives in my heart and soul and there is no end to my creating. But...my mind and heart is of a communality essence, an ''us'' type of thinking/feeling, I dream in terms of us as opposed to just me and is inclusive of so much and so many. When I want to make effects, it includes others, when I dream, I am not the only one in my dreams. This has taken my query into the outer world where I learned of unspeakable things and seeing so much has become unbearable. My faith in God was lost in this. Apparently my social type of thinking doesn't serve ''me''. Though I have created and live this Beauty, I still find myself alone in it and others who share it are also too alone,so far away or suffering too much. Either I have not learned how to dream properly, or living in Beauty is a lonely place. Not sure.
But your words of and quotes of Faith have sparked some beginnings of an epiphany in me especially in light of the dream I had last night and to mark this as a possible divination I will post on it for posterity and for my self. thank you,
Lady.
And now, the dream I had last night:
I was some woman of substance, of honor, or great virtue, known by the few people of this small village, or town, a town of artistic creative gentle slow moving people, though they were suppressed and oppressed, living without joy. As this ''noble woman'', I did something for them and they held me in great gentle esteem, they honored me by painting one of the older honored trees in the village, and wrote some beautiful words on it. I looked at the tree and the paint and initially wondered how healthy this paint can be for a living tree but they were not stupid or inconsiderate people, the paints were not harmful in any way, they were special paints. I was feeling wonderful inside, regal, noble, dignified in an extremely divine way. The honor they had done me struck me as joy in my heart and my face smiled. But I didn't want to feel this alone, those who caused this honor within me must also be honored and so I spoke some words to them and made a declaration of some kind, and I literally felt them light up inside with the same honor and joy they caused in me. It was like a sun had been lit beneath them inside, as if they were trees themselves....... and this honor-sun lit them up from below all the way up through their trunks with bright golden light and they too smiled with warmth and radiance like me, and now we were all feeling the same honor and noble joy they caused me. In my declaration I said something like ''this is a town of artists, of craftspeople, it needs more art in it"....and this was the initiating of the people to be more free to engage their crafts and creativity which is the divine spark.....and then some of them began to get to creating, and they became as children. As I looked down into a ravine, I saw so many of them running , they ran like children set out into a huge field for the first time and told to go play freely.......they were running with their paints and brushes and tools to create art of all kinds, and smiling with such glee.......and I had the fleeting thought that it would pain me to bring them out of that glee back into life because no one can play all the time.....but for now they were joy-full and smiling and we were all onto a new life......the village was coming back to life. And I was filled with noble sensations, like a Queen of Life and Goodness. It was pristine and pure, and very very beautiful.
~end
Blessings,
Lady
*Update:...response to someones email to me, with my answers:
but what I want, I realize, and this is the tricky part........is the ''mothering'' back, not from me, but from another.....and heres' the additional shocker......I want it from a man......I actually do.....when I thought I had written (romantic relationships) all off....(I know, ''good luck and all that''), but.....:D:D:D I've ''DECIDED''....this is what I want and soooooooooo I shall continue to until it manifests.....this I have decided too, to continue to dream until I see them happen and beyond. I just have to know that I am truly ''creating''.....something that probably in this moment doesn't exist, but my ''dreaming it to life'' will....once I decide, that is, and I have.
I realize the work I need to do is inner, and what I also must do is see clearly, why the past decade has been as it has and it is because I lost the ability to dream, just before all the dreams crashed at once in 2001......so in this house for 13 years now, I have been recuperating all this time.
So I realize I have not quite been creating these past dozen years, I see that, as a commenter said, I've been incubating.
But now I do want to, create again...... turns out I had forgotten to dream, not really forgotten how. This is the difference....and then also to dream from the heart, not the mind.....that one is tricky. And I do sense ''how to dream'' is also a new thing lately.....I must do it differently.
oh and just for clarity I say kindly, I do not actually: lie on the sofa and thinking "Poor me, I don´t have a love, I don´t have a job, I don´t have a house, my garden is a mess, the damn planes are driving me crazy, I´m tired, my body aches and my life sucks", in fact, I've never felt 'poor me', suffered yes and bitched and complained and cried, but never ''poor me''........I've also never ever even said my life sucks not even to my self in my head, because it doesn't! I always had wonderful things somewhere and if the moment sucked that may be true, but NEVER my life......and lying on the sofa is strictly for enjoyment, either beautiful magazines or watching funny shows on DVD with John.....that's it. I don't wallow like that, never did and never will. Circumstances cause me to suffer yes, but its never a total wipe out. I also don't have a job because I don't want one, never again. I DO however want to work from home with my gardening and crafts and cooking etc, that I can do.
I am sorry if my post conjured up that image of this ''wallower'', I must correct it somehow, unless it is projection from readers which is entirely possible. I really was confused about the ability to dream and the how-to-dream and where I was with all that, but not to complain about my life, but how to re-create another one was the issue. I think I will take these comments and add them, just for clarity on this.
I do believe you know what you are talking about, I love your emails to me and your kind way of ''speaking'' as much as we can......but I also want to say that I do feel I must do things my way, even inclusive of your 'truths'......which basically is saying, I must create an entirely different way than most people. I have always done this, and it is deeply individual and rare, to pave the path for ones self through a thick and old jungle of common beliefs which I do not ascribe to.....but that is me. When people thought there was no way I could live in a cute house for free with full carte blanche to do what I want with the house for as long as I wanted.....well..... I proved them wrong.....why? because I paved that way, I broke the mold and the matrix, believed no one but my self.... and I did what ''only'' Serena can do for Serena, which is to create an entirely different way......on her own, by herself....TOTALLY AGAINST THE MAJORITY OF BELIEFS. I just need to have the end of that road clearly in mind.
And your words did not hurt me, nor could, because I have found that part of me again which has broken paradigms before, the one who can do this.....I spent alot of time with this even before I wrote, I was fully immersed in this since the moment I left ***s home and began driving.......before I asked Cielo these questions publicly > I wrote because I needed to chronicle this journey for me once I forgot some magical landscape of my inner world which is why I began the post with ''hello to me too once I re-read this''....and because I could see where all the answers were going... as I said the questions and queries of this post were mostly rhetorical, and those are always already answered yes? and I think I did this to remind myself, in black and white, in front of my eyes and not keep in the confusion of my mind.....and so I can show others that there is another way, a mysterious one, and one only I can usually see.....and yes, inclusive of all those ''truths'' you share about the 'mother' and 'loving ones self,'.....and I will share it......it is definitely ''the path that must be created''....an entirely new one, created entirely in new ways.....this is the essence and potential of CREATION.....is to create something new.
And so, maybe the answer was mine all along, because essentially the questions were all really rhetorical, because my magical being had the answer but had not been using these abilities in some time. :-).....and that the answer to create something entirely new in this old paradigm is what I am all about..... more than anything else, it is that.
Lets see where this goes, but I have a good feeling right now.....:-)
**2nd update:
query from commenter: ''About your desire to receive "mothering" FROM A MAN... mmmmmm.... don´t you see a not-so-little paradox in that sentence? How could a man be a mother, if they were created, genetically programmed and put on this planet precisely to be the opposite (and I mean even those who allow themselves to connect with their "feminine side")?''
response:
well this is the very thing my love, the CRESCENDO of my recent creation process......and why I called it a ''shocker''......remember how I mentioned I will have to create this even if it doesn't exist now, this man I want I have not seen on earth, have only heard bits and pieces of such a man from other women, so I will have to create this man....yes I will.....have to create it into being!? do you understand now why I have not been even wanting to listen to other womens ''sage advise''? or why I was reticent and had predicted what others would say, but needed some feedback in some way.......do you see why I refuse to join the ''common bandwagon of beliefs" here in this discussion? I have realized a monumental truth.....to CREATE A MAN THAT DOESN'T EXIST .....!! ARE YOU GETTING THIS NOW? WHY I’ve BEEN JUST A BIT CONFUSED?? THESE ARE HUMONGOUS PROPORTIONS OF THE CREATION PROCESS, only one aspect of which is REMOVING LITERALLY AN ENTIRE HUMAN PARADIGM OF EXISTENCE AND BELIEFS AND TRUTH, TO INVENT SOMETHING ENTIRELY NEW......well this MYTHICAL Man is just one of those things.....
EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE thought/believed I could never find such a thing as a house I don't pay for, can do whatever I want with it as if it were mine and not pay anything on it.....this is fantasy is it not? I've been living this for 13 years here though not quite clear that was the situation until I stopped paying rent a couple of years ago. Anyway the point is EVERYONE will tell me what I'm looking for or wanting is not real, only in my imagination and it doesn't exist ''in the real world''.....and here again is the crux of the point....I'm not creating something for their real world, I am creating something entirely different for mine. I HAVE TO! I've done this several times in this life alone, i just forgot about having to do it again if I wanted change, and I got lost in the muck of the trees, everyone elses trees, my own trees, the life of this matrix, recovering, recuperating, seeing too much for the humane soul to bear, investigating ''truths'' etc, and all to no avail ...... for the process of creating......what all that does is keep one in that matrix where that reality is real for them, and it seems I have always been the one to need to create a totally different reality, for my self, but also with the intent of ejecting this as a flaming arrow into their matrix for the purpose of showing people 'HEY LOOK IT CAN BE DONE IF WE ALL JUST GET OUR HEAD OUT OF OUR MATRIX PROGRAMMING ASSES AND BEGIN TO THINK WITH OUR IMAGINATION AND HEART''.......maybe? so I become a maverick so to speak.....and it took a while.......IN THIS PAST DECADE and it is still brewing in me this ''soup of regenerative creation''......a term I just made up :-)......as to removing all traces of doubt and weariness, and 'not-again' sensations etc.....but this is what I'm feeling good about, I am strong in the knowing that I am the one who has to do this, have done it before, so I just have to remove the dross of all that has smothered me, the garbage of what all people believe that got stuck on me like super glue, etc etc....and once I'm clear of all that, I am off.....but as I said too, I am sensing this creation process also must be done in another way than I have previously done this as I've done it before without any repetition whatsoever, it was a one time command, silent one in my head and never thought of it again, and though I've had many of those since, I must understand why some of them manifest and others dont, but I am on the path.
*Note on readership on blogs on such matters as this: My blog is my happy place too as much as it is when I'm posting of projects, where I am free to write whatever it is I feel. Being expressive is an aspect of honesty, it is a virtue, of spiritual cleansing and this makes me happy :D
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
― Gospel of Thomas
― Gospel of Thomas
The Power of Listening - An Ancient Practice for Our Future
I have been on both sides, being joyful in the midst of a sick world and being sick with it as I observe it and experience some of its sickness......it is hard to have faith if you dig past the surface and get the facts, numbers and histories.....very hard. I lost it. I had it, but lost it.
However, I am at a time when I need to live....again......need to live a life I have chosen, and not merely content with the circumstances given or have found myself in, and continue to find a way to dream a way to have joy in this life which includes others. Oh, if I concentrate on only myself I can live fine for a short time, if I only think of myself and my own little world and as a single woman.....I've done this too.....I did it because I thought it was a stepping stone, to the path of creating a more inclusive type of dreaming, dreams which included other people.....at least those of like minds and hearts, and once achieving this, will branch out to the outer world. I dreamed for the world with myself as a catalyst offering Beauty, Love and Joy for all of us.
Needless to say, this has not worked out, or these types of social dreams take centuries or millennia for God to manifest for surely such beautiful Godly dreams would have God's support? I thought God was taking too long, so I'd do it myself a little faster. I didn't have much luck this way either. I can live in Beauty surely, anyone who knows me knows I live the talk, walk the walk, but I am still waiting for company, for the ''family'' so to speak.....for the others who live this way to live with me, or I don't mind going to live with them! I'm open!
Too much happened in my life, everything turned upside down around 2001 after 37 years of difficulty which includes 27 years of being hungry due to not enough food etc, and all that I thought was ''my life'' was turned inside out and nothing, not even my closest family were who or what I thought it was. I of course went into a dark night of the soul. I learned in a way that only stubborn belief can be taught, and that is to have your entire reality turned inside out. That not just some things, but everything, work, family, friends, world, beliefs etc, would in a single year be yanked from under you and leave you grasping at air to hang on and to breathe.
So faith in God, as it were, went along with it. No need to question how that happened and it happened.
But I lost the ability to dream too and how to want to live, as I investigated further into the truth of life and the world, how family's are not really the love bond I thought and believed they should be. How some of the most devastating and deprived things happen in families. How the ultimate betrayal of my deepest heart for me happened through family, which to me is the holiest unit of all is the Trinity of Family......, and how family can be a totally dysfunctional unit. Then seeking solace in friends, one finds another kind of dysfunction there too.....too many hurt to trust or love again.....et al.
Anyway, there are some people who through this, or in denial of it, or in spite of it, not sure, manage to find such joys as I used to know, before Earth life reality set in, and who express such joys through their blogs for example. My goodness, what a world of intrigue and fascination is the world of women in bloggingland!
And so in a lull in my life when I've spent 13 years recovering from 2001 and all that transpired before, since 2001 was merely the breaking point.......I find myself in a place where I'd forgotten how to dream, since so many previous ones never happened. Even if I tried with communities and people who share the same dream, and even if I travelled the world over working on making this dream happen for surely being able to travel the world was God's support....wasn't it?
But this lull I find myself in, is one of a quiet, forgetful, dispassionate place of routine, even as much as it can be for me who makes every day a different one since I do not work.....but still there is a routine of things I do and the last decade has created some kind of domestic routine, which had even known some bliss in it, many times, but which has lost some critical essence, one of continuity, as if this bliss was some accident of chance, and not a deliberate result of my own passions and dreams which of course would maintain their fervor and fire for an entire lifetime, yes? But this domestic bliss comes and goes and when it goes, and I do not believe bliss should contain anything other than bliss, but what is left I find is some kind of plopping sensation, something that has had the life taken from it like a balloon deflating. What is this? Was this bliss to begin with? I think not.....bliss does not deflate, it has an eternal life to it. So what was this ''bliss'' then? I think now it was a type of greedy grasping at anything that was peaceful, appearing to be of a nurturing atmosphere.......a desperate determination to find happiness in chaos. I did it and I did it well. But the deflating part......that I now know is resignation when the false sense of security in domestic bliss regularly dissipates, what is left is resignation, a slothful kind of peace, not a joyful one. Something is missing. I know what it is now, and it is the feeling one person such as myself who is essentially a very social soul, who lives this all by herself even though in the same house with another person.....a man who is basically a resigned to life/work/suffering kind of life, ....and this energy drains me of my own..... and living in a neighborhood filled with very lifeless people.....I tried to know them I did.....had BBQ's and dinners with friends etc, went knocking on everyones door at one time trying to form a crime watch unit but also happy to meet the neighbors for potential friends, but none of them could reciprocate. The housemate definitely after all these years appreciates the beauty and even has said he lives well, but still his own contribution to this ''living well'' is merely to enjoy it when the weight of his own mind allows him to. It is difficult for me to maintain joy of my own heart when the weights of so many others are so heavy or when ''others'' are non existent. I become deflated. I just cannot be happy when so many others are so weighted down. My friends, my online friends, all the people I happen to communicate with also are telling me things which torment a joyful spirit.
Is it true then, really.....it is hard to soar like an eagle when flying with turkeys? really?
I must somehow reinvent my essence from being a social one to a single one, to be self serving and content with it. I must do this.
I'm rambling.....forgive me. But I want to get to the dream of last night....but first let me explain what triggered all of this.
After finding myself living in this house for more than the year I intended because I was going to save up money to buy a house with my ex, who I learned the hard way had no plan to really do this with me, he just strung me along as he had relationships with other women.......there's more to that but I wont go there......I found myself here in this house for longer than the year. It took me a while to realize I must get up yet again and once again, even after a 6 month trip around the world trying to establish myself a new life, new home, a new business etc failed.....along with 2 more accidents which left me living a life in physical pain......I had to begin yet again. How many times does one really have to do this in one life? anyone?
So....I needed time to recover from the accidents, from the life-rug being pulled from me, from the 37 years of strife before that.........from the 6 month journey around the world, and ending with the betrayal of my ex and my dreams for this life of love with him......and then the death of my beloved mom .....I must start again. OK. I will. Still not jaded, amazingly. But still alone again, no help, etc. One year turned into twelve and I've been blogging about some of the work I've done to this house, John's house, who thankfully didn't care for it so I had carte blanche to fix it up my own way after being here for 10 years patiently waiting for God to show me where I would live next, it wasn't happening so I fixed up this one, and I'm talking inside and out, painting it inside and out and landscaping it all too. It is a beautiful gorgeous, charming little cottage. Even a young 14yr old visitor last month walked in and declared in awe ''this is a cottage! a real cottage!" and it was the most fun to watch him investigate every corner of this house and how he declared he wanted to live like this. He loved the middle room so much I was tempted to name it after him.
But moving on.....I did fix it up and it is lovely for myself and for all as intended. John says he lives well because he does, with a live in home-chef, nurse, gardener, psychologist, doctor, medicine woman and friend, he now knows, he lives well.
Yet after so many years of default living now....that is living with circumstances beyond ones control and after much difficulty and a dozen years of peacefully accepting life as it has happened......there came with it the stealthy loss of being able to dream, because what for? None of the others worked out. I forgot not only how to dream but how to have faith. I didn't know where in the world I wanted to be or to live, and I finally settled.
Now thats a word.....''settled''......creepy isn't it? Settled.....without interest, without passion, and resigned to this fate of mine. I waited....waited for the acceptance to show reward. It didn't come. A life without passion or ones own choices to live out, is for me, not a life. I was resigned for sure here.
This is not a story about faith being restored, I'm not sure what it IS about, but I know I must write it to remember this. This blog was originally intended as my personal journal.
So.....I didn't know how to dream, how to want anything, because life BECAME about acceptance.....ACCEPTANCE......I think of that word and shudder......for some it brings peace, for me it brings revulsion. Because all of what I've been told to ''just accept'' has been horrific. My dreams are so much better, so lacking in pain and so lacking in poverty thinking, or helplessness, they are simply soooo much better! ''Accepting'' always has felt like being beaten. It always came WITH a beating. Acceptance in my world, is always painful resignation. This is not how God wants me to live, I'm sure.
And not knowing how to dream anymore or why I should, I lived resigned but yet determined to make this resignation a thing on my own terms somehow :D....yes I would. If I have no say in my life what does that make me? Not sure and don't want to think too much on that one. But its nothing attractive to me and without virtue. But I am both attractive and with virtue, so I create even within a life of (relative) peaceful resignation and loss, as opposed to how to create out of it. In other words, as long as I was resigned to this ''peaceful life I found myself living by default in no house of my own, through circumstances I could never imagine'' then I would still create on some level, my own life, and therefore being responsible for my own life. This is good, no?
Then 2 weeks ago, a woman I met online years ago who has breast cancer, and has one arm which is barely moveable, and who does long distance healing work for others, many of whom have dramatic improvements, and who I thought was a good good woman, decided to move to Florida and though by herself with one and half arms would relocate and slowly rebuild her own life, and I would help this woman who helps others, and she came with only a suitcase but lots of small boxes would be shipped to her new home by her brother. She chose a place in Florida that is virtually unknown, called Micanopy.
The plan was, she was to fly here, and we shop for her some basics which could fit in my car and I was to drive her up 5 hours north to her new place and settle her in. I did this. It wasn't easy, as for one I hate driving and moving a disabled person is alot of work, but I did it and she is happily settled in her new rental home.
But what I didn't expect was to fall in love. Once I left the woman I drove around the tiny town a bit. Its a tiny old town with a pop of around 600 and everything on the one street with stores which close down after 5pm and the streets are empty....but only of people.....the place is filled with history, with culture and legends, with ancient old oak trees, huge and sprawling up in the sky and dripping with oodles and oodles of filigree spanish moss, and lots of spirits.
The huge magnolias too are also dripping with moss as is anything else that will stand still long enough to be draped with the lovely soft grey filament of this amazing air plant.
The people are friendly! They actually look you in the face and eyes and talk to you when you walk in their stores. They make a point of it, they have no fear there. :D
So on my way out to the highway, I found I was loathe to get onto it, for once on it, it was all driving, cement, tar and lots of other cars for hours and hours and nothing else.
I made a U turn back into the town. I wanted to collect some spanish moss to bring home for my own tree, Suzie. I wanted the moss which fell because I couldn't bear tearing it off its tree. I found lots on the ground. I was good, now time to get on the road. I couldn't. Made another U turn and decided to actually look more carefully at all the old houses I could see visible from the trees and small roads. Again I needed to move on, but stopped in a store for something to eat for the drive and the lady was so nice I wanted to stay in, linger in her cafe and just talk to anyone who walked in! lol......then I walked into the stained glass store and found so much beauty there, like walking into the Cathedral makers shop, where he shows ALL his talents, not just the reverent ones, but the whimsical and fun ones too. This man talked to me, his first question to me was ''are you having fun yet"......the question to spark my soul if ever there was one! LOL
This old guy was fun to talk to also, he was a pilot and was about to go on vacation for 2 weeks before he receives some guests from England to one of his homes. I wanted to hang out with this old man! I haven't felt these things in years. No one here in this neighborhood I talk to seems normally human like that, all these people seem to be only like matrix agents, no interest, no life, no humour, just working slaves. Yuck. I wanted to stay in this town and not leave. I fought the tears, and the pain behind my eyes and in my heart, fighting the highway that demanded I leave NOW or it would be horrific work traffic I'd hit in the worst places......I fought the tears. I made a third U turn just because.......then slowly, sadly I turned back to get on the road because if I continued this way I could get lost, forever.
I got on the highway and realized I had a desire in me I hadn't felt in years. I felt the feeling of ''place''.....of finding a place I actually wanted to live. I saw how I could improve the energy there and how they could improve mine. I saw how easy and free it was like in the old days of maybe the early 1950's where there were much looser ways of living, not needing permits to walk down a street or one could sell something from their front yard if they wanted to. Simple. And I'd not have to change my license to another state. I want to live there. And I can see how what I do here can actually be lucrative there! They do not even have a food store in town, and I love growing veggies and flowers and am a home chef.....can you see where this is going? :D
Desire is a good thing.
Or is it?
Maybe this desire is another plant by the devil himself to torment me into dreaming another dream that will never come to pass.....I'm onto him now. I'm NOT wanting to entertain that one though life has taught me not to disregard that one, to consider his ways because though I'd never believed in him before, I see how he does work in our lives whether we like to think or believe or not. There it is.
So this brings me to my current time. This feeling of knowing where I finally want to live and plant my bones for the final time has been a good feeling, since this current place has never been one I liked at all. The property and inside is a sanctuary for sure, but the environment is toxic in so many ways, not to mention the many cell phone towers, and did I mention the zombie people?!
And slowly I've been trying to work out how....'''how'''.....to do this? I never had ''how'' as a problem before, but it is challenging now even for me who once knew how to move mountains.
I have found my gut in knots at the thinking and pondering and this is no way to begin a dream. There must be something lose and flowing about it, something that is gliding you along. Dreams must be supported by the invisible beneficence, by God, if you will, there must be some caress of ease into it......this I believe.
I even tried to talk my housemate into it as I know he would love this place too. Everything I've ever heard him say about what is charming or a nice place to live, this place has it. But he and I are not a ''pair'' and whatever I decide to do with my life, I'm on my own. What I'd really like to do is pick up this entire property and transplant it there in that town....that would be P E R F E C T ! If I had enough faith, do you think it could happen?
But John has told my friend who I have told my story to, that he may be interested, ''but not now, not soon, maybe in the future''. This is John. He Lives in his future, yet his life has been one of a rolling stone or tumbleweed, he created nothing of it but landed at every turn and cried ''woa is me, this is what happened to my life''.
I of course do not believe in just living with what ''happens'', with being so lackadaisical, or to believe in a future until I get there, and either I create my life or ''it merely happens'' is my penance for non creating....but what I do now creates future. Or am I to be tumbled about? Having faith that the crap I land in was destined by God?
So I've learned that anything that causes knots in ones tummy is to be let go, so my wonderings of ''how'' to do this has to be let go, which is great because the ''how'' of things is something I never bothered with because its not my job really, yet here I am, for the first time ever, needing to make this happen some ''how''. Then there is this thing called ''faith''. Do I have this? Should I have this again when previous faith led me to uncharted wicked waters into living a life I never dreamed and never could dream this low for myself?
Then there are those with faith who find their dreams. I asked such a person about how she does it....how does she find her dream manifested so often? I asked her yesterday....and this is what I wrote and this is what she wrote......and then I will get to that Dream of last night.....you tell me.....................
To dream or not to dream?
Well Cielo, if there is one thing, you sure know how to dream....and I wonder, seriously, if you could actually teach others how to do that? Like me for instance.....I used to dream like that but life took too many gnarly turns and I have learned some things to cause one to shudder.....I have forgotten how to dream, and how to believe in them for any decent length of time, and these past days I've been struggling as to whether or not I should bother again, I want to but I can't be disappointed again...because of all the dreams I had that never happened. I do want my own home, a home of my own really, and gardens and the woods and flowers and a creative life that serves the people around me, I also want lively fun people for neighbors and friends....and I've been single for 12 years, no dates, nothing and never thought I'd be so for more than mere months, this is the least of problems, but to find such love and companionship in a man.....I don't know. Just for the record I am neither ugly nor fat, and most people think I'm ''adorable'' and beautiful, even for my age, which is a ridiculous number because I will always be 25.....but really, I want to believe, but I cannot suffer reality in its place any more.....you don't have to publish this, but I am being all out and open here, really, how do you do it?
Dear Lady:
Believe me—I am real,
and like everyone else in this faulty world, I had and have my own cup
of misery to drink. I think we all know that nobody’s life is perfect,
but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to create a beautiful one. My
blog is my happy place and it is marvelous to have your own little spot
of pretty and happy. I have dark days too for sure and sometimes they’re
too dark and too long, but I would not dwell on that. I'd rather share
with the world a pretty jar of flowers. My motto in life, which has
helped me immensely throughout my years is found in Philippians 4:8:
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such
things”.
Perhaps my secret, if there is one, is that I place my heart (and dreams) in God’s hands, and God only?
I don’t trust in what I can do to make my dreams come true. So in those hands I leave them all. You see, faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark. Faith is a grand cathedral, with divinely pictured windows - standing without, you can see no glory, nor can imagine any, but standing within every ray of light reveals a harmony of unspeakable splendors (Nathaniel Hawthorne)
In whose hands are you placing your dreams? I wonder.
Allow your dreams a place in your prayers and plans. God-given dreams can help you move into the future He is preparing for you.
Cielo
Perhaps my secret, if there is one, is that I place my heart (and dreams) in God’s hands, and God only?
I don’t trust in what I can do to make my dreams come true. So in those hands I leave them all. You see, faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark. Faith is a grand cathedral, with divinely pictured windows - standing without, you can see no glory, nor can imagine any, but standing within every ray of light reveals a harmony of unspeakable splendors (Nathaniel Hawthorne)
In whose hands are you placing your dreams? I wonder.
Allow your dreams a place in your prayers and plans. God-given dreams can help you move into the future He is preparing for you.
Cielo
Thank you Cielo for your words. I just want to say, I do live creating Beauty all the time as anyone who has followed my blog or more, been to my home will attest grandly to, and I do believe in all the magic that lives in my heart and soul and there is no end to my creating. But...my mind and heart is of a communality essence, an ''us'' type of thinking/feeling, I dream in terms of us as opposed to just me and is inclusive of so much and so many. When I want to make effects, it includes others, when I dream, I am not the only one in my dreams. This has taken my query into the outer world where I learned of unspeakable things and seeing so much has become unbearable. My faith in God was lost in this. Apparently my social type of thinking doesn't serve ''me''. Though I have created and live this Beauty, I still find myself alone in it and others who share it are also too alone,so far away or suffering too much. Either I have not learned how to dream properly, or living in Beauty is a lonely place. Not sure.
But your words of and quotes of Faith have sparked some beginnings of an epiphany in me especially in light of the dream I had last night and to mark this as a possible divination I will post on it for posterity and for my self. thank you,
Lady.
And now, the dream I had last night:
I was some woman of substance, of honor, or great virtue, known by the few people of this small village, or town, a town of artistic creative gentle slow moving people, though they were suppressed and oppressed, living without joy. As this ''noble woman'', I did something for them and they held me in great gentle esteem, they honored me by painting one of the older honored trees in the village, and wrote some beautiful words on it. I looked at the tree and the paint and initially wondered how healthy this paint can be for a living tree but they were not stupid or inconsiderate people, the paints were not harmful in any way, they were special paints. I was feeling wonderful inside, regal, noble, dignified in an extremely divine way. The honor they had done me struck me as joy in my heart and my face smiled. But I didn't want to feel this alone, those who caused this honor within me must also be honored and so I spoke some words to them and made a declaration of some kind, and I literally felt them light up inside with the same honor and joy they caused in me. It was like a sun had been lit beneath them inside, as if they were trees themselves....... and this honor-sun lit them up from below all the way up through their trunks with bright golden light and they too smiled with warmth and radiance like me, and now we were all feeling the same honor and noble joy they caused me. In my declaration I said something like ''this is a town of artists, of craftspeople, it needs more art in it"....and this was the initiating of the people to be more free to engage their crafts and creativity which is the divine spark.....and then some of them began to get to creating, and they became as children. As I looked down into a ravine, I saw so many of them running , they ran like children set out into a huge field for the first time and told to go play freely.......they were running with their paints and brushes and tools to create art of all kinds, and smiling with such glee.......and I had the fleeting thought that it would pain me to bring them out of that glee back into life because no one can play all the time.....but for now they were joy-full and smiling and we were all onto a new life......the village was coming back to life. And I was filled with noble sensations, like a Queen of Life and Goodness. It was pristine and pure, and very very beautiful.
~end
Blessings,
Lady
*Update:...response to someones email to me, with my answers:
but what I want, I realize, and this is the tricky part........is the ''mothering'' back, not from me, but from another.....and heres' the additional shocker......I want it from a man......I actually do.....when I thought I had written (romantic relationships) all off....(I know, ''good luck and all that''), but.....:D:D:D I've ''DECIDED''....this is what I want and soooooooooo I shall continue to until it manifests.....this I have decided too, to continue to dream until I see them happen and beyond. I just have to know that I am truly ''creating''.....something that probably in this moment doesn't exist, but my ''dreaming it to life'' will....once I decide, that is, and I have.
I realize the work I need to do is inner, and what I also must do is see clearly, why the past decade has been as it has and it is because I lost the ability to dream, just before all the dreams crashed at once in 2001......so in this house for 13 years now, I have been recuperating all this time.
So I realize I have not quite been creating these past dozen years, I see that, as a commenter said, I've been incubating.
But now I do want to, create again...... turns out I had forgotten to dream, not really forgotten how. This is the difference....and then also to dream from the heart, not the mind.....that one is tricky. And I do sense ''how to dream'' is also a new thing lately.....I must do it differently.
oh and just for clarity I say kindly, I do not actually: lie on the sofa and thinking "Poor me, I don´t have a love, I don´t have a job, I don´t have a house, my garden is a mess, the damn planes are driving me crazy, I´m tired, my body aches and my life sucks", in fact, I've never felt 'poor me', suffered yes and bitched and complained and cried, but never ''poor me''........I've also never ever even said my life sucks not even to my self in my head, because it doesn't! I always had wonderful things somewhere and if the moment sucked that may be true, but NEVER my life......and lying on the sofa is strictly for enjoyment, either beautiful magazines or watching funny shows on DVD with John.....that's it. I don't wallow like that, never did and never will. Circumstances cause me to suffer yes, but its never a total wipe out. I also don't have a job because I don't want one, never again. I DO however want to work from home with my gardening and crafts and cooking etc, that I can do.
I am sorry if my post conjured up that image of this ''wallower'', I must correct it somehow, unless it is projection from readers which is entirely possible. I really was confused about the ability to dream and the how-to-dream and where I was with all that, but not to complain about my life, but how to re-create another one was the issue. I think I will take these comments and add them, just for clarity on this.
I do believe you know what you are talking about, I love your emails to me and your kind way of ''speaking'' as much as we can......but I also want to say that I do feel I must do things my way, even inclusive of your 'truths'......which basically is saying, I must create an entirely different way than most people. I have always done this, and it is deeply individual and rare, to pave the path for ones self through a thick and old jungle of common beliefs which I do not ascribe to.....but that is me. When people thought there was no way I could live in a cute house for free with full carte blanche to do what I want with the house for as long as I wanted.....well..... I proved them wrong.....why? because I paved that way, I broke the mold and the matrix, believed no one but my self.... and I did what ''only'' Serena can do for Serena, which is to create an entirely different way......on her own, by herself....TOTALLY AGAINST THE MAJORITY OF BELIEFS. I just need to have the end of that road clearly in mind.
And your words did not hurt me, nor could, because I have found that part of me again which has broken paradigms before, the one who can do this.....I spent alot of time with this even before I wrote, I was fully immersed in this since the moment I left ***s home and began driving.......before I asked Cielo these questions publicly > I wrote because I needed to chronicle this journey for me once I forgot some magical landscape of my inner world which is why I began the post with ''hello to me too once I re-read this''....and because I could see where all the answers were going... as I said the questions and queries of this post were mostly rhetorical, and those are always already answered yes? and I think I did this to remind myself, in black and white, in front of my eyes and not keep in the confusion of my mind.....and so I can show others that there is another way, a mysterious one, and one only I can usually see.....and yes, inclusive of all those ''truths'' you share about the 'mother' and 'loving ones self,'.....and I will share it......it is definitely ''the path that must be created''....an entirely new one, created entirely in new ways.....this is the essence and potential of CREATION.....is to create something new.
And so, maybe the answer was mine all along, because essentially the questions were all really rhetorical, because my magical being had the answer but had not been using these abilities in some time. :-).....and that the answer to create something entirely new in this old paradigm is what I am all about..... more than anything else, it is that.
Lets see where this goes, but I have a good feeling right now.....:-)
**2nd update:
query from commenter: ''About your desire to receive "mothering" FROM A MAN... mmmmmm.... don´t you see a not-so-little paradox in that sentence? How could a man be a mother, if they were created, genetically programmed and put on this planet precisely to be the opposite (and I mean even those who allow themselves to connect with their "feminine side")?''
response:
well this is the very thing my love, the CRESCENDO of my recent creation process......and why I called it a ''shocker''......remember how I mentioned I will have to create this even if it doesn't exist now, this man I want I have not seen on earth, have only heard bits and pieces of such a man from other women, so I will have to create this man....yes I will.....have to create it into being!? do you understand now why I have not been even wanting to listen to other womens ''sage advise''? or why I was reticent and had predicted what others would say, but needed some feedback in some way.......do you see why I refuse to join the ''common bandwagon of beliefs" here in this discussion? I have realized a monumental truth.....to CREATE A MAN THAT DOESN'T EXIST .....!! ARE YOU GETTING THIS NOW? WHY I’ve BEEN JUST A BIT CONFUSED?? THESE ARE HUMONGOUS PROPORTIONS OF THE CREATION PROCESS, only one aspect of which is REMOVING LITERALLY AN ENTIRE HUMAN PARADIGM OF EXISTENCE AND BELIEFS AND TRUTH, TO INVENT SOMETHING ENTIRELY NEW......well this MYTHICAL Man is just one of those things.....
EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE thought/believed I could never find such a thing as a house I don't pay for, can do whatever I want with it as if it were mine and not pay anything on it.....this is fantasy is it not? I've been living this for 13 years here though not quite clear that was the situation until I stopped paying rent a couple of years ago. Anyway the point is EVERYONE will tell me what I'm looking for or wanting is not real, only in my imagination and it doesn't exist ''in the real world''.....and here again is the crux of the point....I'm not creating something for their real world, I am creating something entirely different for mine. I HAVE TO! I've done this several times in this life alone, i just forgot about having to do it again if I wanted change, and I got lost in the muck of the trees, everyone elses trees, my own trees, the life of this matrix, recovering, recuperating, seeing too much for the humane soul to bear, investigating ''truths'' etc, and all to no avail ...... for the process of creating......what all that does is keep one in that matrix where that reality is real for them, and it seems I have always been the one to need to create a totally different reality, for my self, but also with the intent of ejecting this as a flaming arrow into their matrix for the purpose of showing people 'HEY LOOK IT CAN BE DONE IF WE ALL JUST GET OUR HEAD OUT OF OUR MATRIX PROGRAMMING ASSES AND BEGIN TO THINK WITH OUR IMAGINATION AND HEART''.......maybe? so I become a maverick so to speak.....and it took a while.......IN THIS PAST DECADE and it is still brewing in me this ''soup of regenerative creation''......a term I just made up :-)......as to removing all traces of doubt and weariness, and 'not-again' sensations etc.....but this is what I'm feeling good about, I am strong in the knowing that I am the one who has to do this, have done it before, so I just have to remove the dross of all that has smothered me, the garbage of what all people believe that got stuck on me like super glue, etc etc....and once I'm clear of all that, I am off.....but as I said too, I am sensing this creation process also must be done in another way than I have previously done this as I've done it before without any repetition whatsoever, it was a one time command, silent one in my head and never thought of it again, and though I've had many of those since, I must understand why some of them manifest and others dont, but I am on the path.
in their new bed The Tomato Patch, 
